Learning to move on is hard - especially when the other person won't acknowledge their sh**
Have you ever walked away from lunch, dinner, or even a phone conversation with someone and thought to yourself, I need a full week to recover? Yeah, me too.
It’s kind of hard because these folks would like to see James and me on a semi-regular basis. These folks are also my parents. Does anyone else have a strained relationship with their parents? I see you.
If you’ve been following along, you may have picked up on the easter eggs I’ve placed in posts. Both on the gram and in blogs - like detangling my mom from my care, being told to meter my emotions, don’t actually show how I’m feeling, the American dream is alive by immigrant standards, and you’re just not disciplined enough (weight mgmt.). All of these easter eggs are actually part of my upbringing and my relationship with my parents.
I want to set the stage - I love my parents. They are wonderful people, but my relationship with them has grown more complicated over time. I know I’m not alone when I say that sometimes as we grow older, and establish our own lives, homes, etc., the dynamic changes, and parents (sometimes) have a hard time accepting that.
Now there are several instances that have collectively created the environment we’re in today. After painstaking attempts to level with them and have an honest conversation about things that need to change, we’re at an impasse. James and I saw our tries fall on deaf ears. So instead of continuing to try and expend energy, we slowly put up boundaries. Limited interactions, communications, all the things. The result? James and I have control of the chess board and we have no problem holding the stalemate.
overworking
In the last 36 months, some pretty amazing things have happened to me. I apologize if the table reads weird - Wix doesn't do a great job of integrating the edit function with the table's function.
Amazing Things | Why I made a change | Parental Response |
Landed a (great) job, in my industry, with a great boss, team, and fair pay | My old job was exhausting. The pay was awful, boss was not great, and there were no concrete changes to show I was valued and had a growth path | Why did you leave (previous employer), you're giving up the brand recognition? You didn't pay your dues to let them see your worth (not true). |
Prioritized the things I needed to do for my mental and physical well being | In said previous role, I wasn't taking care of myself. As a society, we shouldn't glamorize, overworking, living off of stress, coffee, wine and take out. | You're adjusting your work ethic - you'll lose the discipline if you add the focus on taking care of yourself in |
Adopted Lou & had him (and myself) professionally trained in the process | I was lonely. In my new role, I had time to love and care for an animal. Lou is my first love, and a decision I don't regret. | He's too big, what about work, he needs a proper family, you won't be able to maintain your schedule etc., etc., |
Met James. Went all in with him and left my parents out of the conversation. | Dating with my parents influence was terrible - all the wrong guys. Dating with just my influence, much better. I met a man who let me be me. Encouraged me to find myself and not what was expected of me. | Nothing to say because I didn't tell them until after I had moved in with him and put my house on the market. |
Started my semaglutide journey and my journey with STAT Wellness | I was tired of pushing myself up and out of feeling terrible. I wanted to master and address why I felt horrible. I wanted real change for the rest of my life, not just ignorance. | My parents don't approve of STAT, and idgaf. I know the results I see and feel. The same with semaglutide - I mention it and I get the non-medical BS about just needing discipline |
Obviously, all of these situations I’m describing could be blog posts by themselves. I’m attempting to summarize some pretty big life milestones and the consequent reactions from the two people who theoretically should always be my cheerleaders.
I was listening to Call Her Daddy by Alex Cooper. Alex was interviewing Kelsea Ballerini. Kelsea talks about how she got really good at compartmentalizing things so she could cope. I’ve never related to anything more in my life than hearing someone else talk about the peace that came from putting certain feelings and situations behind closed doors. Giving you the opportunity to review them when you’re ready.
It’s still really hard for me to look at older photos of myself from different stages in my life and feel beautiful or worthy, proud, or even accept a simple compliment. And it all comes back to these notions of metering my emotions, never showing how I actually feel. I’ve started to unlearn those notions with mental health help, my husband, and obviously, a really strong group of friends. But it doesn’t change the fact that my parents still unconsciously reinforce said notions.
The theme of this post is learning to move on when the other party won’t acknowledge their s***. And here’s the thick of it - it’s really clear my parents deflect, defend, and deter to avoid ever having an honest conversation about how their response to things in my life makes me (and my husband) feel. James and I have learned over several shared meals that this situation isn’t improving and it really takes a toll on me.
We’re in a stalemate. We control when they see us, we also control when we leave. So basically we decide when we want to see them and are essentially prepared to answer the same six questions they always seem to only ask.
The problem with the same six questions is that they never allow us to talk about anything else, because we never actually get the chance to talk. My dad dominates the conversation and makes it go the way he wants, which is a form of manipulation/bullying. I don’t necessarily think he realizes his own behavior. I'm not going to get into what's wrong with my dad's behavior, but it does make it impossible to have a genuine conversation. I certainly don’t want me airing out my frustration to negatively impact anyone’s perception of him. He’s a victim of the sins of his parents, full stop. My mom's only method of exerting influence over this behavior is to stay silent until he realizes that maybe he's messed up. Spoiler alert, it doesn't always work, and it's definitely not a behavior I will ever engage in.
In this time of incredible change for me, where I am the healthiest I've ever been. It feels like James and I have cracked the code on how to best live with my hidradenitis suppurativa. It's the happiest, I have ever been, and on my journey to being wholly fulfilled - I experience pretty sincere grief. Grief for a relationship that's not there. Grief for every bit of good news that's shared with my spouse or my best friend, or my uncles instead of my parents. I grieve for the fact that they have no idea I started Curated & Collected to talk about my wellness journey. I grieve for the fact that they truly don't really know what's going on in my life and it's not for lack of trying.
If you know me, you know that I don't sugarcoat things - I go for what's real. I want to know you, and I want to genuinely invest in a meaningful connection with you. Not being able to do that with my own parents is nothing short of stress-inducing, heart-wrenching frustration for me. I do not look to them for examples of how to make a marriage work, or for what effective, respectable spousal communication looks like. But learning to accept that this is how the relationship is going to be for the foreseeable future, makes it a little less heart-wrenching.
So here’s the truth of it. If you’re experiencing a difficult relationship stage with your parental figures - I see you, I empathize with you, and I’m letting you know it’s okay to seek outside help to figure out how to eject yourself from the cycle. Live for you, and move forward as best you can. If you have a really positive relationship with parental figures - I am so happy for you.
As I've posted on the gram - there is a podcast coming! There are lots of little things that will be great 15 to 20 min., micro episodes. Complete with special guests and juicy topics like sex, intimacy, married life finances, and more!
With brutal honesty, wrapped in good intentions,
