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Drop me off at the edge of the sun, around the corner from the night, in another world, in a book

Ever felt this crazy need to just turn your brain off? Do something that plunges you so deeply, that it almost seems like an out-of-body experience?


Yeah, me too. Usually, after surgeries or really painful cortisone shot appointments I need to come down slowly from the adrenaline high that was keeping me going until I got relief. Actually, I take that back, pretty much leading up to, during, and then, also, after.


Here are the two sub-worlds I like to get lost in - movies & books.


When I was younger, and having the bulk of my #hidradenitissuppurativa surgeries, I would come home and have a weeks-long recovery. Yes, I still had school but I became really isolated. My mom never really took the time to explain or have candid conversations with me about what was happening during my pretty formative years. I also have very few memories (somatic trauma response). So with no really effective way to cope or no one to talk to who would just listen, I turned to movies and books.


Rom-coms and fantasy/mythology are my favorite sub-genres. One where about â…“ of the way through you can really start thinking CLUE style who don it. In these books and movies, I became a spectator, completely enamored with the world created. A world with no bounds, seemingly unlimited possibilities, and usually, a happy ending.


See the comparisons? A world with no bounds, meaning a place where anything (including full recovery) could be possible, seemingly unlimited possibilities (no restrictions on life or concessions), and a happy ending (cure). This applies to both books and movies. While today’s post is focused primarily on books, I think you can probably guess that I’ll share the movies another time.


In my recovery bubble, my bedroom when I was younger, I could shut the door, close the drapes, and get lost in a different world. Plunge head first into a safe place. A place that often piqued my creativity, and taught me ways to express myself, and how to stand up for myself.


My mom sometimes likes to poke fun at the fact that I would quote movie scenes when I was angry - well my therapist confirms that I’d never really been taught how to safely express how I was feeling without retribution, so quoting the movie was my childhood way of expressing what I needed, in the safest way possible. Forget Pop's having empathy, he didn’t and still doesn’t understand. His demons, not mine.


As I got older, naturally, I started relying less on learning character traits from the main characters and figuring out more who I am and what I need to communicate how I’m feeling. This took an incredible amount of time, self-reflection, loss of friendships (and gains), career shifts, and professional help. #LifeHidradenitiswithSuppurativa is isolating on its’ best days. On the worst days? It feels not only shameful but also excruciatingly painful. Mix in the isolation, and inability to find solace or support and you have a really lethal cocktail of self-depreciation, insecurity, and obliterated self-esteem and respect.


This summer while in the thick of an unplanned yet planned summer of surgeries, complications, and recovery - I spent many days in need of rest. My priority list was work, rest, and spending time with my husband and our fur babies but mostly, focused on rest. My companion in that rest? Books….and movies but again we’re focused on books. I wish I could recall the books of my childhood with more clarity to give 12 to 16 yr., old me a vindication that she wasn’t weird, just coping. However, that’s a task that will take much more cognitive effort with my therapist. Stay tuned. I do, however, remember the movies - so don’t worry we will discuss those another time.


So what draws me into these beautifully curated worlds? The need to release my mental load. My husband games, I read. Both are perfectly healthy ways (in moderation) and accompanied by other habits (exercise, gardening, quality time) to release our mental loads for a bit. During my #sclerotherpay in August, my specialist and I laughed at explaining to James why I like to watch or read certain things over and over again.


She and I said, almost in unison,


predictability.

I knew how the story would end, it alleviated my anxiety and gave me comfort in knowing the ending. When I was younger, and having deeper more intense surgeries - I didn’t know the ending. I didn’t know if I would ever be worthy of the life I lead today. I was isolated in my head and I needed someone else to be my hero even if it was only in print.


Now, don’t go thinking I only read fiction…definitely not true. I love books in general, but if I need to dump my mental load I am going to go for the following:



All of the above and more y’all. I could see pieces of myself in the different character arcs, and actively draw indirect correlations between actions and consequences to my own life. I would voraciously consume these worlds. With the support of my hubster who now occasionally will comedically recite smut scenes when I need a good laugh. With the help of a therapist, getting lost in these worlds as a way to unload my mental load before I pick it back up is a perfectly healthy way to deal.


Reading is in good company with many other hobbies and habits I have. But what sets reading apart is the physical energy needed to do it - almost none other than consciousness. I can read in pain, in recovery, in the bath, in bed, in the living room, in the garden, and so on. When the fatigue and pain are too great, reading offers the safest place to refocus my thoughts and bring my adrenaline, heart rate, and stress down. It’s also certainly more effective than the seemingly harmless daily glass of red wine I used to use.


Onto the tea….my list…and a referral code for Book of the Month. Earlier this week, I posted a reel. That reel had a list of some of the books I read this summer while I was recovering from my #hs #excision surgery. Here are the titles and the websites of the authors.

If you want to start a book club hit me up - I’m down.


Happy Reading Book Dragons. Get it? Because Dragons hoard?


The Witch Walker Series by Charissa Weaks


Dragon Isle Wars by Frost Kay


Daughter of Winter by Corina Douglas


The Four Arts & Daughter of Ravens by MJ Scott


The Tarnished Angels MC by Emma Slate


The Empyrean by Rebecca Yaros


Kingdom of Runes by Audrey Grey


And lastly, from Book of the Month Club


Read

Lessons in Chemistry by Bonnie Garmus

Ariadne by Jennifer Saint

The Stardust Thief by Chelsea Abdullah

Evil Eye by Etaf Rum


To be read

Starling House by Alix E. Harrow

The Unmaking of June Farrow by Adrienne Young

The Unfortunate Side Effects of Heartbreak and Magic by Brianne Randall


If there’s something you think I should check out please drop me a comment or send me an email :). I love suggestions.


Please remember, this isn’t medical advice, this is me recounting my experiences and the providers I found along to way to help destigmatize receiving treatment for #hidradenitissuppurativa and any other wellness impediment my readers may be experiencing. I am not a licensed medical professional and if you find kinship with my post, please seek out the advice of a licensed and experienced professional.


With brutal honesty, wrapped in good intentions.




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